I feel like I'm constantly treading water. I'm always taking one step forward and two steps back. I'm feeling stagnant and oppressed. I hesitate writing this post for fear of sounding unthankful or ungrateful but this is real life these are real feelings.
Life is so busy and so hard these days. I know this is relative and compared to what other people are going through, my life is a walk in the park. I try to remember that and bring a little perspective to my life but sometimes I just need to pout!
I feel like the house is always a mess. A disaster is more like it. Laundry is never ending. Toys are everywhere which is EXTREMELY annoying because I swear my kids don't play! This is probably the MOST annoying thing I'm experiencing right now. Max and Leah are constantly irritating each other. I think Leah's only tone of voice is a whine. And the two of them just don't play. They are within a 3 foot radius of me at all times. Yes, all times. In the bathroom; when I'm cooking; I have an audience when I take a shower. It's never ending. I never have a break. I just don't understand why the two of them won't play.... together or by themselves. I feel like I'm constantly telling them to give me some space. I just feel like this is not normal and I don't know what to do. I know kids at these ages are needy and I know that it is my job to meet these needs but it sure would be nice if they could just use each other for play and entertainment so I have time to keep up on other stuff... like the house, the laundry, etc. I feel like I'm always frustrated and snap at them more than I'd like. I find I wish for the time they are all in school so I have just a little break and I feel terrible for feeling that way. They are only little for a short time and I feel like I'm wishing that away. And I know the day is going to come when being with your parents is uncool and I am going to wish they would come and sit by me or stand within a 2 foot radius of me. I love these kids and they certainly bring much more joy than they do frustration but today it seemed to just overflow.
I think if I felt organized and in control of other areas of my life then I could handle the difficult areas better. But it seems like a vicious cycle and I can't never get on top of it all. Today I was ready to purse the whole house. I haven't given up on that thought but I'm feeling a little bit better after getting a little bit of cleaning done this evening. But that was just a bandaid. The main problem is that there is just too much junk in this house. It needs to be purged and reorganized! I feel like we've outgrown the house and that we need to get the basement finished. But then that makes me nervous because then it's more house to clean!
Re-reading this post makes me sad because it sounds like one big complaint! I can't imagine my life without any one of my little mess makers and I would never trade them for a quiet, clean house. Ever. So now that I'm feeling like the size of a pea, I am going to go kiss their sweet little cheeks and thank God for them... and their messes. And for the laundry because that means we have clothes to wear. And for the clutter and disorganization because that means I have a home and things with which to fill it. And finally, I'm thankful for my family and pray God gives me the grace to be the best mom ever.
Just another blog with random ramblings from a mother and wife trying to be and do her best.
2 comments:
You are SOOOOOO not alone Denise! I am feeling that way very often myself, in fact some days I don't even bother picking stuff up, I just walk, around it...what's the point they're just going mess it up again. I was just talking to my MIL this weekend to figure out a day when she can take them so I can go through and purge this house!!! We have DEFINITELY outgrown our house....and our basement! I am going to have the mother of all garage sales very soon...cause you know I'm way to dutch to just give it all to the Goodwill or something! I just don't know where to hide all the stuff I'm going to sell!
Oh oh oh oh oh - Denise - just know you are NOT alone. I could have written this post, and I am quite sure I have at least 4 that are pretty much the same as yours, word for word! (well different names of course!) Kyle and I together just tackeled the kids rooms and totes and clothes/drawers/closets and that does feel good, but it is a big job! Kyle and I are both dumpers, so we threw away a lot! The toys - ugh - so frustrating! I so often find myself yearning for those days that there aren't toys all over my floor!!! I have had some moms tell me that it will just turn into clothes on their bedroom floor as they get older - well I'd rather have that b/c that is in their bedrooms not all over my living room! :) I feel bad too though for having those thoughts because I too know that in the grand scheme of things this phase really is short lived. I will say also that it does change - and I'm not THAT far ahead of you as far as kiddos go, but being that we have a "similar" family, I can tell you that soon you will get brief moments of freedom (kindergarden, preschool, having just one kiddo for 2 hours, etc...)!!! Hang in there hun - saying a little prayer for you tonight before I go to bed!
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